


The First Wife

by SinisterScribe



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Blame Addicted1, Charming Trolls, DragonQueen Snuggles, Emma freaks out, F/M, Golden Queen, Henry's cool with it, I still hate Robin, Snow's Selective Memory, everyone knows bar the Twoo Wuvs, gq, is it exhibitionistic if you don't INTEND to be caught, it's complicated - Freeform, like you're surprised, more of these are on the way, scales!, sex hangover, smut found within, what a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 00:47:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3876088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinisterScribe/pseuds/SinisterScribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeah, you know how I said I wasn't really a GQ shipper?</p>
<p>I lied. </p>
<p>This is set at the beginning of season 4B-ish wherein Regina gives new meaning to 'undercover' and tries to explain to Emma why she and Rumple are the way they are. </p>
<p>Because, Rumple and I agree, that leather skirt has got to come OFF.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Wife

**The First Wife**

 

**_Rumple’s Cabin…_ **

 

Regina sat on the sofa in the living space of Rumple’s rustic little cabin. Her eyes were closed and she hazed on the borders of sleep.

She sat sideways on the couch, one leg folded up beneath the other and that one stretched out so that her heel clunked against the floor digging into the rug. One arm was lifted and folded between her head and the couch to try and keep her neck from craning and her other arm was slung over her middle.

Still, she was fully aware of what was going on in the rest of the cabin.

Rumple had left that morning to climes unknown, August was slumped in his chair in true sleep, Mal was in the bathroom readying herself for the day and Cruella and Ursula sat near the kitchen quietly but not too quietly bitching about her.

“Honestly, darling, they were at it _all_ _night_. I didn’t get a wink of sleep.” Cruella murmured to Ursula and Regina might have risen to the bait had she cared at all what they thought about her.

“Suddenly glad I was on sentry duty.” Ursula chuckled. She had complained about it at the time but she wasn’t kidding about being glad that she had missed Rumplestiltskin and the Evil Queen’s…happy reunion.

“She’s so soft spoken, I had no idea that she could scream like that. Come to think of it, I’ve never heard anything scream like that unless it was dying.” Cruella chuckled. “I’m almost jealous of the little tart.”

There was a pregnant pause whilst both Cruella and Ursula glanced at the couch to see if the barb had hit its mark. When Regina apparently remained unconscious, Cruella continued in a slightly louder tone.

“I’m beginning to wonder if Rumple’s ‘Twoo Wuv’ is the real reason he was so desperate to get back here. He certainly hasn’t shown much interest since he wormed his way back in.”

“They hate each other.” Ursula disagreed. “Neither of them have gotten lucky in a while and they’re both available and –evidently- attracted to one another. Scratching an itch. Nothing more.”

“If he was scratching an itch, surely he’d pick someone other than his favourite plaything.”

“Uh, why?” Ursula’s frown of confusion was evident even in her voice. “If he wanted to scratch and itch surely he’d _only_ pick his favourite.”

“I…” Cruella was caught off guard when her conscious brain caught up with what her deeper thoughts had been telling her. “I just had the impression that he wouldn’t…taint her in such a way.” She sounded confused as well.

What did she care of the Dark One and his tainting? It was all a bit academic with Regina anyway. His claws had sunk so deep into her that Cruella mused they might be the only thing that held the little queen together at times.

The door leading the bathroom opened and Mal stepped from within in a sweep of elegance and no small amount of sheer gravitas.

Everyone bar Regina bodily flinched, even the exhausted August fumbling to consciousness for a moment.

Maleficent swept the room with her gaze, lingering on Regina for a moment and then coming to rest on Cruella and Ursula.

“Out.”

Cruella opened her mouth to protest but Ursula –with keener survival instincts- gripped her friend on the fur clad arm and bodily hauled her from the cabin. They’d go for a walk. The fact that their ridiculous high heels were woefully unsuited to the task was no never mind. She had no desire to find out if the dragon had a taste for calamari.

Maleficent flicked her fingers in August’s direction and he slumped into unconsciousness once more.

Regina, having surfaced to conscious thought to discern what all the rabble was about, dismissed it as none of her affair and sank back into that pleasant restful haze. She couldn’t fully sleep, not without the nightmares coming for her, but this would keep her going.

She was vaguely aware of Mal crossing the room to fold herself down neatly onto the couch behind Regina. Lifting one ankle to rest it on the opposite knee, she made herself comfortable. She sat there for a moment and Regina could feel her heavy gaze on her like a physical thing.

“Come here.” Mal spoke softly and reached out to take Regina’s shoulders in her hands.

Regina stiffened with a grumble and Maleficent ignored her, tugging her backwards so she could stretch out on the sofa and rest her head on the dragon’s lap.

“Poor beastie, did he tire you out?”

Regina didn’t reply, words unnecessary, but she did relax onto a more boneless sprawl in Mal’s lap. Mal stroked her hair and Regina turned her head into the contact. It had been a long time since they had sat just like this, one comforting the other, and she had missed it fiercely. She would deny it under torture, but she nuzzled her cheek into the crook of Mal’s knee and let loose a slow sigh.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Four times in one night.” Regina mumbled a reply finally. “It would seem I know exactly what I’m doing.”

Mal chuckled but it didn’t do much to assuage her concern.

“He’s hooking his talons into you again.”

“I know.”

“You’re not fighting it this time. You _always_ fight it.”

Regina made a sluggish movement that may have been a shrug.

“I’m worried for you, beastie. You’re as tough and as sharp as a dwarf’s axe, I know that, but you seem…brittle. I don’t want you to shatter.”

“Such concern from the woman I imprisoned for thirty years.” Regina’s voice was slurring on the edge of sleep.

“What’s a little solitary confinement between friends?” Mal waved it away and Regina smiled softly but still did not open her eyes.

“You should be coming at me all claws and fire for what I did. Why aren’t you?”

“Perhaps I have lost enough.” Mal combed her manicured fingers through Regina’s hair. She had always had such soft hair, such a lustrous colour too. Mal petted her for a while. “Perhaps I will forgive my first friend anything.”

Regina’s eyes did snap open then and she rolled over onto her side so she could look up at Mal. She studied her for a long moment and her head tilted, her hair rumpling over the pale grey of Mal’s slacks. Her eyes shone and she frowned.

“Truly?” Her voice cracked a little and Mal sighed.

“Oh, beastie, you’ve been alone for far too long.” Mal leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Regina’s forehead. “What has this life been doing to you without me to keep you, hmm?”

“It hasn’t been all bad.” Regina leaned up into the contact for a moment and then let her head fall back onto Mal’s lap when she drew away. “I have Henry.”

Mal smiled softly and Regina’s heart tightened when she realised what she had just done. She reached up and took Mal’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“They might not trust me, not even Rumple, but –no matter what happens- I will see Snow and Charming _suffer_ for what they did to you. I know well the loss of a child, even if I didn’t lose him to another world. We will find her again. I will help you.”

Mal smiled softly, evidently unsure as to whether or not she should believe in Regina, she let her fingers be squeezed as Regina did nothing more to convince her. Earnest words wouldn’t cut it, she was going to have to see action in order to believe. That was fine with Regina.

She might have forgiven Snow for what had transpired between them, but to hurt her _friend_? A friend that had remained exactly that despite all the pain Regina had dished out to her, a friend who needed her now in a way that Regina could not ignore.

“If you kill them, Henry will never forgive you.” Mal murmured, combing her fingers through Regina’s hair again.

“I’m not planning on killing them.” Regina snorted. “That’s too good for what they did to you. I’m going to tell _everyone_ what they did. Emma and Henry in particular.”

“Who would believe you?”

“It doesn’t matter if they believe me or not, Charming and Snow will admit to everything if asked and people _will_ ask. The mob can’t resist the scent of blood in the water. The thought of a chink in the armour of the perfect couple. No, Mal, I won’t kill them for you but I will most certainly destroy them.”

“Such a sweetheart.” Mal chuckled and Regina smiled.

Mal let her close her eyes and doze for a bit. She stroked her hair and offered comfort in the only way she could. Through the simple means of human contact. Sometimes even villains needed to be held.

“Where do you suppose he’s gone?”

“Hmm?” Regina blearily surfaced from that studious half sleep of hers.

“Rumple, where do you think he’s gone?”

“Oh, to see the little wife, I suppose.” Regina dismissed it and Mal frowned at that, she knew Regina to be more than a _little_ possessive.

“And you’re…okay with this?”

“It’s no concern of mine.” Regina yawned and shifted, stretching out more comfortably like a lioness in need of a nap.

“You just spent the entire night making him a concern of yours.” Mal tentatively prodded.

“That’s different.”

“Different how?”

Regina sighed and opened her eyes lazily, studying the buttons of Mal’s silk shirt as she mulled it over. She shrugged.

“I’m the first wife. All Belle will ever have is what’s left over from me. She gets the bits I didn’t want. The useless bits. I have the Dark One.”

Mal frowned a little and thought that over.

“You are a very _strange_ creature, little beastie.”

Regina closed her eyes on a smile with a shrug and tried fruitlessly to sink into sleep enough to rest but not to dream.

“Would you like to sleep, little one?” Mal stroked Regina’s hair back from her face and traced a sharp nail down the sweeping line of her cheekbone. “Sleep without dreams.”

An explosive sigh left Regina and she nodded.

“Please. For at least a little while.”

“I shall wake you when you are needed.” Mal promised and rested her hand over Regina’s forehead, seeping the magic of the sleeping spell into her so that she might slumber undisturbed.

Mal looked down at her as Regina sank into true sleep and continued to stroke her hair.

Poor little beastie.

She still felt far too brittle.

 

**_The Diner…_ **

 

Emma hurried into the diner and her eyes scanned frantically for her friend.

“Regina.” The word left her on a quiet rush when she saw the sorceress sitting at the bar. Relief poured through Emma though it faltered when she realised that Regina was curled over the bar with her head in her hands.

Emma hurried over and hopped up onto the stool, she rested a hand carefully on Regina’s shoulder and was further concerned when Regina didn’t even satisfy her paranoia by looking up to see who was pawing at her.

“Good morning, Emma.” She spoke without lifting her head.

“It’s six at night.” Emma’s worry only increased.

“Whatever.”

“What happened to you? Another bender?” Emma looked around the diner, searching for evidence of another night on the town for the Queens of Darkness.

Granny was scowling in Regina’s direction and people were skittish –all of this summarily ignored by the queen herself- but nothing appeared untoward.

Aside from Regina’s apparent hangover.

“Seriously,” Emma tried again, “are you okay? They didn’t do anything to you?”

“I can handle the squid and the taxidermist.” Regina snorted. “Besides, Mal and I are friends. She’s not going to hurt me.”

“What about Gold?” Emma knew Regina well enough by now to know when her lie detecting superpower was being evaded and she still wasn’t being told the whole story anyway.

“Gold didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t ask for.” Regina picked up her coffee, swirling the cup and then drank deeply. “Repeatedly and loudly.”

“Whu…what?!” Emma’s eyes went wide. There was no mistaking what Regina was talking about.

Emma deliberately quieted herself when Granny ticked her head in interest. With flap of her hand, she guaranteed Regina and herself a little privacy.

 “Say what-now?! You and Gold are knocking hips?!”

“Amongst other interlocking anatomical parts.” Regina said blandly and cupped her coffee mug in both hands. She sipped the dark brew again and savoured the taste.

“You know that’s not what I meant when I said ‘undercover’ right?!” Emma flapped her hands again. “I meant for you to find out what they’re up to by…by…not by pillow talk.”

“There wasn’t much talking involved.” Regina toyed with the tiny tongs used for lifting sugar lumps. She clicked them together whilst bouncing them across the counter to pounce on a lone sugar lump and cull it from the herd.

“Jeez, Regina, you didn’t have to do that.” Emma scrubbed a hand through her hair.

“Hmm, so laying down my life to find out what’s going on is perfectly alright but simply laying down isn’t?”

“You know what I mean.” Emma snapped. “You don’t even like Gold, you _hate_ him, and now you’re laying him like a rug!”

“That does explain the friction burns on my back,” Regina  sipped from her coffee again, she frowned a little, “and on my knees…and my elbows…and I think my cheek. Does my cheek look a little red to you?” Regina turned to Emma, rubbing gently at the side of her face and Emma grimaced when it really did look a little red.

“Oh, _gawd!”_ Emma dropped her head into her hand.

“I do believe he was mentioned several times too.”

“Regina, this is not okay.” Emma looked at her…friend with worry. “I don’t want you getting in too deep with this. Do _not_ make an innuendo out of that.”

Regina clipped her teeth together and then turned back to her coffee as if her fun had been ruined.

“I mean, I know you miss Robin, but there’s got to be better candidates for messy rebound sex.”

Regina snorted.

“This has nothing to do with Robin.”

Regina said it with such utter surety that Emma couldn’t pick up even the faintest hint of denial. It didn’t even sound like Regina _missed_ Robin very much.

“You sure? Because…this is weird, I mean, you and Gold…how long’s _that_ noise been going on?”

 “Uuhhmmm…” Regina narrowed her eyes and mulled it over. “Fo-orty years.” She narrowed one eye in a squint as she double checked her figures. “Yes, forty years this June.”

“Uh…okay? Does…Belle know?”

“It’s none of Belle’s business.”

Emma’s brows rose but she pressed her lips together. She rather imagined that Regina’s view might be a little different if _she_ were in Belle’s position in that sordid little love/lust/whatever triangle but…who was she to judge? Still, this seemed more than a little off and it wouldn’t be the first time that Gold had wrapped Regina around his little finger.

Though, judging by Regina’s admittedly exhausted but content expression, the appendage she’d been entwined with hadn’t been all that small.

Emma clapped her palm over her face and smeared it down over her neck.

“So, even whilst you and Robin were together…?”

Regina turned her head to look at Emma. The Saviour held up her hands in immediate surrender.

“Okay, none of my business…”

“Especially when I was with Robin.” Regina drank more coffee.

“Alright, that makes no sense to me.” Emma admitted.

“It wouldn’t. You’ve never been married.”

“Say _what?!”_ Emma squeaked. “I didn’t know you two had been married!”

“NO. We haven’t.” Regina scowled at Emma like she was particularly dim. “Neither of us has ever been the church and priest type though it is the closest analogy I can think of.”

Regina mulled it over for a long moment, looking into her coffee cup as if it might help her divine an answer.

“I’m the first wife.” Regina murmured eventually. “Rumple and I…we have been together longer than you’ve been alive. We’re so mired in one another that we’ll never _quite_ be able to escape the other. We’re bound together, he and I, in love and lust and hatred and…familiarity but –most importantly- in acceptance. We are ourselves when we are together. Being with the one you love –in that trite and True way- means you constantly try to be your best, to put your best foot forward, to do the right thing and put the other first…being with the one that hates you means that you can relax, that being you as you are is enough. Even at your darkest, at the absolute extremity of violent depravity, they can take it. They can take it and they can love it. It’s a level of trust that I’ve never had with anyone else. It is the same for Rumple.”

“Can’t you…divorce him or something?” Emma was still tackling the rest of that so she focussed on the wife issue that she could understand.

“And herein comes your lack of marital understanding.” Regina smiled softly. “Divorcing someone…it does not undo what has been forged. You _can’t_ undo a marriage. I will always be Rumple’s ‘wife’ as he will always be my ‘husband’ no matter how many ‘ex’s are bandied about.”

“I don’t really get it.” Emma admitted. She wasn’t judging Regina, she was a complicated lady, but she had to be honest.

“You will soon enough.” Regina shrugged. “You’re not there yet but –sooner or later- you’re going to realise that your affection for Hook and his for you is not enough. I suggest you start looking for someone that will be able to take your pace or you’re never going to feel whole again.”

“Hey! How do you know Hook isn’t enough!?”

“Been there and done him, dear.” Regina snorted in quiet amusement. “The hook does make up for a lot but not THAT much. Especially when that long buried chivalrous streak rears its trite head and suddenly it’s ‘unseemly’ to fuck me with it at my throat.”

Regina attacked another sugar lump with the tiny tongs and huffed out an irritated sigh through her nose.

“Prude.” She grumbled.

“Oh,” Emma’s brows shot up, “well. That just happened. I could have lived my whole life without knowing you had him first.”

“Like you didn’t know.” Regina shot her a sideways and sceptical glance. “Besides, half of your love interests have warmed my bed first. A bit late in the game to get squeamish about it, don’t you think?”

“CANNOT unthink!” Emma dropped her head into her hands.

“We’re royalty, dear. There’s a certain level of inbreeding to be expected.” Regina drained her coffee cup and set about massacring more sugar lumps.

Granny scowled at her and was summarily ignored.

“Okay, so, what? This is like a…pressure release valve? You gotta have nasty sex so –instead of trusting the people you love- you take it out on one another?”

Regina misjudged the strength of the tongs’ grip and a sugar lump pinged away off the counter to disappear behind the bar. She frowned and pursed her lips.

“I told you, it’s about freedom.” Regina turned to look at Emma. “It’s about freedom and belonging. Sorcerers…Rumple and I are the most powerful practitioners of magic that any world has ever seen. If we lose control of it for even an instant, we could –literally- vaporise someone. Is it ‘nasty’ to want –to need- to let go?”

“And,” Emma shifted uncomfortably, “that could…it could be like that for me?”

“Soon enough.” Regina shrugged a shoulder.

“And…your _soulmate_ isn’t enough for you?” Emma raised her eyebrows.

Regina snorted a bitter laugh.

“Daniel is dead.”

“I meant Robin.”

“I know.”

“Oh.” Emma shifted uncomfortably. This was quite the most personal conversation that she had ever had with Regina and she was more than a little surprised at how honest the older woman was being. “Do you not love Robin?”

Regina lifted her gaze to look herself in the eye through the mirror behind the bar. She rocked her jaw to the side and inhaled deeply.

“I recognise that he’s the best I’m ever going to have.” She looked down and set the tongs back into the sugar bowl.

“You’re not happy with him?”

“I’m not with him at all.” Regina looked at Emma and raised her eyebrows as if reminding her.

“I know…you know what I mean.”

“I cannot _be_ happy, Emma. It’s not in me anymore. That part of me died decades ago. I can be close to it, certainly, I was very close to being happy with Henry, Roland and Robin, but I will never have it. Villains do not get happiness. They –at best- have acceptance.”

“And Gold…accepts you?”

Regina smiled and looked down into her empty coffee cup. She mulled it over a moment and then nodded.

“Yes. He accepts every blackened part of me as I do him.”

Emma thought about that for a long moment and felt so unutterably sad for her friend. To really believe…she shook it off and –before she could think better of it- leaned over and rested her hand on Regina’s arm.

“I accept you too, you know.” Emma gave her arm a little squeeze and drew away. “If that’s what makes you almost completely happy then…go to it I guess.”

Regina cocked her head in surprise.

“Hey, we’re none of us perfect. I gotta admit that I always thought Belle was Gold’s redeeming feature but –if he can comfort you despite everything that’s happened between you both- maybe he’s not a _complete_ bastard.”

“Oh, he’s definitely a complete bastard.” Regina shook her head and laughed. She sobered after a moment and looked at her reflection again. She murmured mostly to herself. “Though he is my bastard.”

Emma opened her mouth to speak again but she was distracted by something tugging on her magical senses from the back of the diner. It was a kind of glamour. Some kind of shield to prevent non-magical folk from seeing whoever it covered. She tilted a little, looking around Regina and she squinted. Her eyebrows shot up and her mouth dropped open when she saw who it was.

Who the fuck ever, the Dark One was standing right there in the middle of the diner when he was Public Enemy Number Fucking One!

“Bastard!” Emma moved to stand but then she slowed when she actually got a good _look_ at him.

Shit, he looked rough.

Gold stood as Rumplestiltskin. As the Dark One. As Emma had seen him when she and Hook had fallen back through time and ended up meeting him in his original scaled glory.

Rumple leaned heavily against the wall of the hallway leading from the diner to the guesthouse. His shoulder was propped against the velvet wallpaper, his head canted to lean against the wall too and one leg was crossed over the other at the ankle. He wore black slacks and a white shirt that hung open at his neck. He looked like he’d been through the wringer, even the shine on his golden scales was dimmed, his amber eyes dulled.

Regina twisted on her stool to follow Emma’s gaze and she saw Rumple standing there looking sorry for himself. She tilted her head a little and let loose a slow breath. Unaware that Emma could see the reflection of her small smile in the bar mirror.

“Seriously?!” Emma hissed at Regina. “He thinks he can just waltz in here and…! Why would he risk coming here? I’m sitting RIGHT here!” Emma waved emphatically at herself.

“For me.” Regina twisted around to look back at Emma. She smirked a little and tilted her head. “He might come back to Storybrooke for Belle, he might twine strings around every single one of us and jangle them around behind the scenes to play merry hell to try and win her back, but it’s _me_ he’ll risk taking on the Saviour for.”

Regina slipped down off the stool and turned to see her reflection in the mirror. She shook her hair back smoothed her hands over the front of her blazer and…and she _preened_ for him.

“That’s crazy.” Emma shook her head and looked about herself as if to see if anyone else could spot the nuttiness.

“What can I say? Marriage drove me insane and I took him with me.” Regina lifted her coat and slung it over her arm, checking she looked presentable in the mirror one more time. “Don’t wait up, dear. I plan on being busy for the foreseeable.”

Emma just groaned and endeavoured not to think about it.

“If you find out anything that’s not going to scar me mentally, text me. If you’ll have a hand free that is.” Emma snarked.

“Oh, don’t you worry, there are a great many things I can do with one hand behind my back.”

Emma scrunched up her nose in distaste.

Regina chuckled.

“You needn’t worry for me. I am perfectly safe.”

Emma looked at her askance.

“Truly.” Regina nodded and looked her right in the eye. “Rumple would never kill me. Not when he needs me as he does now.”

Emma frowned, not quite sure that Regina had enough distance on the situation to make statements about that either way but she nodded.

“Call me if you need me.”

“Of course.” Regina nodded and spun on her heel, stalking to the back of the diner to meet the half hidden Dark One.

Emma watched her go and really _looked_ at the couple when Regina slipped through the spell that Rumple had constructed around himself.

Rumple dismissed the diner from his world view and focussed entirely on Regina. His hand lifted from his pocket, claws flashing in the low light, and his arm twined around Regina’s waist. His sharp fingered hand splayed on her lower back and –with a sudden yank- he pulled her flush against him.

Regina fell into him with no resistance at all, chest to chest and a small smile playing over her lips. She murmured something to him –Emma didn’t know what- but it made the glow of his eyes flare brighter. In her heels and him in bare feet, Regina was taller than he was, which just appeared to make it easier for him to duck his head to her neck and inhale deeply.

Emma saw his eyes close and his arm tighten around Regina as her arm wound around his neck and her fingers tunnelled into his curling hair. She tilted her head and whispered into his ear.

Eyes still closed, Rumple nodded and the couple disappeared in a shimmer of heat haze magic.

Emma let loose a slow sigh and realised…she’d never seen either Regina or Gold look so…comfortable in their own skin.

This was all just too fucking weird.

“Emma? Are you okay?”

Emma bodily flinched when her mother’s hand came down on her arm.

“What?!” Emma looked at her un-comprehendingly for a long moment and then she let loose a slow breath. “Yeah, sure, I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Really? You look a little pale.”

“I…” Emma let loose a slow breath. “Just trying to, y’know, bleach my brain of Regina and Rumplestiltskin and all their associated…imagery.” She looked her mom in the eye and raised her eyebrows.

“Rumplestiltskin and Regina doing what?” Snow tilted her head.

Emma frowned a little. Really? _Really?_ Her mother hadn’t picked up on the innuendo at all?

“Are they doing something that we need to stop? Has Regina gone too deep?”

“No, I think the depth is something she’s pretty happy with.” Emma looked at her mom and waited for the penny to drop.

No dice.

“Well, if she’s fallen off the wagon then we have to help!” Snow made as if to head for the door to the diner. “Come on, we have to stop them.”

“I wouldn’t.” Emma snagged Snow’s arm. “I don’t think we want to interrupt them.”

“But…if Regina’s in danger or relapsing, she’d _want_ us to stop her. I’m sure of it.”

“She doesn’t want this stopped.” Emma told her firmly.

“Why aren’t you worried?” Snow was beginning to look concerned for Emma now. “I thought you two were friends?”

“We are which is why I’m not going to let you interrupt them!” Emma looked at Snow in a particularly heavy manner and it flew completely over Snow’s head.

“How can you say that?!” Snow wrenched her arm from Emma’s hold and planted her hands on her hips.

“Because friends don’t let friends get interrupted by the Bleeding Heart Foundation when they’re busy riding their mentor like they’re trying to qualify for the Kentucky Derby!”

Snow froze and blinked at Emma.

“You mean…?”

“Yeah.” Emma was relieved she’d finally cottoned on, she’d half expected to have to break out the crayons and napkins for some diagrams and she didn’t have any gold crayons. “Regina and Gold are…a thing. Now probably. On the nearest flat surface. Loudly.”

Emma stopped when Snow just continued to stare at her.

“Mom?” Emma reached out and prodded her with a finger.

No response.

“Snow?”

Not even a blink.

“Mom!” Emma snapped her fingers in Snow’s face.

Emma grimaced.

“Sorry, mom.”

She hauled back and slapped her.

Snow was staggered by the blow, a red handprint showing on the pale skin of her cheek, but she didn’t seem to notice.

“Sorry, Emma, what were we talking about?”

“Uh,” Emma shook the pain from her hand, her mom had a jaw like an anvil, “Rumplestiltskin and Regina.”

“Oh, did she find anything out?”

“Not…currently.” Emma frowned.

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” David joined them and smiled at his two favourite ladies. “What’d I miss?”

“Not much.” Snow went up on her toes and kissed his cheek. “I’ll go get us a table.” Then she disappeared off to do just that.

Emma watched her go with a worried frown.

“What’s up?” David nudged her with his shoulder.

“I think…I think mom just had an absent seizure or something.” Emma murmured. “We were talking and she just…blanked out. She doesn’t remember the conversation at all. It’s like it never happened.”

“Oh…was it about Gepetto and his new ‘banana holders’ he’s selling?”

“What?! No!” Emma blinked. “Banana holders?”

“Apparently they’re very post-modern. What were you talking about?”

“Rumplestiltskin and Regina.”

“Oh.” David nodded and then it slowed. “ _Oh._ ”

“Yeah.” Emma watched her mom find a booth and take a seat. She pulled three menus from the holder and set about laying them out in neat parallel lines in front of her. She started organising the condiments by size next. “Should we be worried?”

“Nah. She does that sometimes.”

“Has a minor stroke?!” Emma glared at him.

“No-o. She just…deletes what upsets her.”

“Does she do that a lot?” Emma looked worried.

“Usually only whenever Regina and Rumple get themselves caught. For a while I thought they were doing it on purpose but they get pretty irritable about the fuss she makes afterwards and I think that’s a mood killer for them so, y’know.” David shrugged his shoulders.

“Whenever they get caught…how often –exactly- is that?”

“We-ell…after Regina took back her office as Mayor and Snow went round to get that bird painting,” David began to tick them off on his fingers, “at least once in Neverland, twice on the Jolly Roger, and…”

“Enough!” Emma held up her hands. “And _gross!”_

“I’ll admit her insistence that he be scaly is a little weird.” David nodded.

“Wait a minute, _you’ve_ walked in on them?!”

“Of course.”

“What do you mean ‘of course’?! Am I the only one that hasn’t?!”

“Uhmm…” David mulled it over. “I don’t think Leroy has.”

“You mean Henry…” Emma could only gape.

“Henry what?” Henry joined them, hitching his school backpack up against his shoulder.

“We’re talking about your mother and Mister Gold.”

“Oh.” Henry wrinkled his nose and his shoulders slumped. “Are they back together again?”

“Again?!” Emma gaped at him, horrified. “When did you find out?!”

“After he came back from the dead during Zelena’s little nut-job run.” Henry shrugged his shoulders. “He escaped from Zelena as the crazy Dark One and you found him as Mister Gold. Somewhere between those times, mom went for a LONG walk in the woods and she came back with leaves in her hair, scales on her coat and one hell of a hickey on her neck.”

“Oh my god!” Emma held her head in her hands.

“I think the weirdest part was that he was sharing a body with Neal at the time.” Henry frowned. “I mean…that might have gotten awkward halfway through, don’t you think?”

Emma had no words. She just gaped for a long moment at them and shook her head.

“So this is…common knowledge?”

“For everyone except for Belle and Robin I imagine.” David nodded.

“How does that work?!”

“Self-preservation.” Henry volunteered. “I think they keep one another…mellow. Nobody wants to get in the way of that.”

“You mean up until now, this has been them ‘mellow’?” Emma raised her eyebrows.

“Well, yeah.” David frowned. “They’re murderous psychopaths. You don’t just _get over_ that.”

“Oh, but getting a leg over does help?” Emma scowled at her father and then clapped her hand over her mouth when she remembered Henry was right there.

“Apparently.” David folded his arms over his chest. “You’re not taking this very well. I would have thought that you’d be grateful.”

“Grateful?! That two of the most terrifying villains that anyone’s ever heard of one of which is a master of manipulation and the other has a _serious_ proportionate response issues are having an affair and not at all privately and if said affair gets back to their respective True Loves and all that just _dissolves_ and they go off the rails without…what is FUNNY?!” Emma demanded when Henry and David snickered.

“Mom, don’t you get it? It’s not Belle or Robin that keep mom and gramps sane, they didn’t turn up until late in the game, it’s each other.”

Emma huffed out a slow breath and looked up at her father. He shrugged.

“They’re usually the only one that can get through to one another whenever they’re having a bad day. Sure, the people they love help, but they can’t _understand_.” David didn’t know how else to explain it. “You might not think it’s very healthy, but it has kept them going for this long AND if they’re wrapped up in their own games then there’s less attention to be spent on the rest of us. So it works out well for all concerned.”

“You’re all crazy.” Emma shook her head.

“Hey, at least she’s not back with Hook again.” Henry clapped his mom on the shoulder to try and cheer her up. “That’d be _really_ awkward.”

Emma turned slowly to look at him and he realised only then that she hadn’t…known.

“I mean, that was back when, before, you, uh…him selling mom to Greg and Tamara kind of ended things between them so I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” Henry smiled brightly to try and make things better.

“Go and help Snow.” David gently propelled Henry towards their table which was now being subtly shifted by Snow so that it faced due North.

“Great. Just great. Is there anyone _else_ Regina’s had a long standing ‘agreement’ with?”

David just looked at her.

“Oh _not_ you too!”

“We-ell, towards the end of Snow’s pregnancy she wasn’t much interested in any of that kind of business and Regina didn’t have anyone else on the boil soooo…”

“Oh my GOD!”

“I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” David laughed and Emma could do nothing but give him a harassed look for a moment.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“ _Really?”_

“Definitely.”

“Okay.”

“So you’re okay to have lunch with us now?”

“Fine. Just so long as I don’t have to hear about any more of Regina’s conquests past or present.”

“What about future conquests?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she has been giving you this kind of _look_ recently…I’m kidding! Emma, come back, I’m kidding!”

Emma didn’t come back.

 

**_The Vault…_ **

 

“Here?” Regina glanced up at their surroundings when Rumple’s magic dissipated.

“Hmm.” His face was still nuzzling into her neck, beginning to lick, beginning to kiss.

She felt heat pool low in her body and her nails scraped over his scalp, tangling in his curling hair. She dragged him down with her when he toppled her onto the bed.

“Unless you’d rather go back to the Manor?” He was unknotting her wrap around skirt, rather enamoured with the idea of fucking her on the leather of it and making room for himself between her legs. “I imagine the last time you were here…”

Regina’s thoughts drifted to Robin and then Rumple bit into her neck and they vanished.

“No. Here. I want you here. Now.” She shoved at his shirt, arching up against him. He wriggled out of the material and she spoke between kisses. “Didn’t go well with Belle?”

“Belle isn’t you.” He nipped at her lower lip and sucked it into his mouth, nibbling softly. “You know that.”

She chuckled deep in her throat and twined her arms around his neck. He growled when that meant he couldn’t get her out of her shirt or blazer. He settled for kissing her with deep and drugging kisses when she seemed content to pet him with fingers tunnelling through his mane over and over. When she loosened her hold to flick the scales lining his spine the wrong way one after the other he peeled her shirt open and tugged her free of both it and her blazer one arm after the other.

“Emma find Robin?” He set his teeth to her neck and sucked hard, bruising her with his tongue and his magic so that –if the thief came back within the next week- the mark would be plainly seen.

“I forgot to ask.” She arched up towards him, rubbing the soft skin of her breasts against the silky texture of the scales on his chest.

“Good.” He ripped the straps of her bra, shredding it from her with his claws. The same with her panties and then she was naked, slight red welts from where his claws had grazed her on her skin. He bent his head and licked each one with his velvet tongue until she shivered beneath him.

“Beast.” She groaned.

He rumbled a deep chuckle and wrapped his tongue around one of her nipples, his claws plucking carefully at the other.

She went back to flicking at his scales, tugging them the wrong way with little lightning bolts of near pain that struck clean through his body to ground themselves in his cock. He throbbed hard in his trousers and his hips rocked against hers, treating her to the digging preview of events to come.

“ _Rumple_ ,” her back bowed clean up off the bed, the faint scent of forest overpowered by leather and magic, “six weeks was too long.”

He could only growl in agreement. It _had_ been too long. Being without magic had been awful, being a limping shadow of himself had been interminable, missing Belle had been a dying light in his blackened heart but that had paled in comparison to the bleeding Regina shaped hole in his soul.

He loved Belle, of course he did, but he _needed_ Regina.

His apprentice, his monster, his perfect creation. His opposite. His partner. His opponent.

His, his, his.

“I’m right here.” She pressed hot, wet, kisses to any part of him she could reach and finally twined her tongue with his when she dragged his mouth down over hers. “I’m right here and I’m going _nowhere_.”

“Good.” He nuzzled against her face, rasping her skin with the scales of his sharp cheekbone. Branding her, marking her. People should KNOW.

Everyone should know that they belonged together.

Regina would never have sent him away. She wouldn’t have stripped him of his powers. She wouldn’t have turned him into the coward again. She didn’t want the coward. She had no need of him.

She needed the monster that _always_ chose her. The one that had never left her. The one whose life wrapped so perfectly around her. Whose kinks slotted so neatly into her own. Rough scales to her soft skin. Hissing growls to her throaty moans. Guttural groans to her desperate cries.

Regina shoved at his pants, pushing them away from her as if they were repugnant. He wriggled and kicked out of them, finally lowering his naked self completely against hers. Miles and miles of silky smooth skin that would bear imprints of his scales within the hour.

His hard cocked dripped between her legs and she wasted no time in sliding her hand down between their bodies and wrapping her delicate fingers around his hot length. She stroked him from the drooling head down over the vein roped shaft to the knotted base. Further down to cup the weight of his balls in her hand and cage him just a _little_ too harshly in her fingers, her nails digging into the sensitive skin there.

He growled, his hips bucking against her, the head of his cock sliding wet over her clit and involuntarily yanking his balls in her hold. She chuckled even as she moaned and he groaned, his head dipping to rest against her chest. His tongue flicked over her skin, tasting the salt of the beads of sweat there.

Every inch of her was delicious and he wanted to taste them all…but she’d have to let go of him first.

“Regina…” He bit the curve of her breast with another branding bite. “Let me go. I want to fuck you.”

“I’ve never let you go before. Not about to start now.” She arched up towards him and he obliged her by sucking her nipples into his mouth one after the other. He sucked hard enough to draw a hiss from between her teeth. They were going to be tender later.

Good. Gave him an excuse to kiss them better.

“I’m not going anywhere either, love. You needn’t cage me so.” He chuckled into her chest and dragged his teeth over her skin. Licking at the fresh red scorings on her skin.

She purred for him, that was what she had needed to hear, and she slipped her fingers up over the barrel of his cock to drag her thumb over the tip of him again. He growled and gathered her legs in his hands, hooking her knees over his elbows. He yanked her closer over the rumpled sheets of the bed and the leather of her skirt.  She pulled him closer and he slowly sank into her one throbbing inch at a time.

Regina arched her back and gripped his hair in a painful hold that he didn’t mind in the slightest. He growled into her, grinding himself in to the hilt and forcing her to take his entire length. He was always just a bit too big for her. When he sheathed his whole cock in her tight cunt, her breath hitched and her nails scraped him as she clutched him closer. She couldn’t stand it but she couldn’t bear him giving less than his whole self to her either.

She rolled her hips up against him and welcomed him impossibly deeper, her eyes squeezing shut and her mouth opening on a gasp when he obliged her with a vicious heft of his hips against hers.

Rumple sucked in a deep breath and tried to control himself. He wanted nothing more than to fuck her into oblivion but he wouldn’t leave her unsatisfied. He might be a bastard in many respects but he _would_ keep her accustomed to the sensation of clenching like a vice around his cock as she screamed her orgasm to the rafters.

“Ru-uumple,” she nearly whined and then her voice became throaty as he rocked deeper into her, “fuck me.”

“As milady wishes.” Rumple gritted out from behind clenched fangs and he withdrew slowly, seeing her pupils dilate, turning her eyes into pools of light swallowing black in anticipation.

She cried out when he impaled her on his cock, her fingernails clawing over his back. Her teeth biting into the softer skin of his neck and her entire body curling up towards him to welcome him as deep as he could go.

After that, all control melted away as if it had never been.

He slipped one arm free of her leg and clasped her hand in his. Their fingers threaded together and he braced their joined hands above her head. With that leverage, he was free to pound his cock into her and swallowed her gasps and screams as she thrashed beneath him.

He knew that most women preferred short strokes but not Regina. She wanted all of him every single time. His whole cock sliding deep to the hilt in her so that stars burst in her head and freezing hot shocks lit up her spine. Each time the flared head of his shaft banged against the mouth of her womb her skin tingled as if lightning forked over it.

She kissed him ferociously, biting and sucking and mewling into him. Her free hand clutched at his hair to keep him exactly where she wanted him and her leg wrapped over his back and hauled him close with every lunge of his body into hers. She moaned into him, twisting closer and closer to the edge, thrashing beneath him in a flatteringly uncoordinated fashion.

He rolled his hips, sucking on her tongue, and ground the root of his cock against her clit.

She threw back her head, tearing her mouth from his rough kisses and screamed so loud that it echoed again and again in the corridors of the vault.

Rumple did not give her a chance to come down. He pounded her mercilessly. He was not a mortal man and that wasn’t what she was with him for anyway.

“Say it.” He gasped against her lips, drinking in her pants of shivering pleasure. “Tell me.”

“I…” She could barely breathe never mind form sentences.

“Say. It.” He snarled, pushing his whole cock into her, grinding deeper than ever until the air was knocked from her lungs with his invasion.

Gods, she could feel him in her _throat_.

“I…you’re mine!” She gasped. “You’re mine. All mine.” She clutched him close, her free arm circled around his neck and her fingers white knuckling with the fearsome grip she had on his hand.

“And?” He punished her with another brutal thrust that choked a sob from her.

“I’m yours!” She thrashed beneath him, on the verge again since he had never let her come away from it. “Yours. All yours. Yours.”

Rumple snarled in animal agreement and sank his teeth into the curve of her breast, biting hard enough to taste blood and tipping her over into another throbbing orgasm.

It was too much for him this time.

She bucked beneath him, screaming his name, fire sparking from her skin and setting the sheets aflame. Magic bled from her eyes and mouth and he inhaled it greedily, prying his fangs from her flesh and licking at the love bite to heal it…though not too much. She did bruise so wonderfully.

His trigger came when her hand clutching at his back raked too hard and she ripped three scales free of his flesh. His spine arched and he roared, dragging her closer to him, pounding deep into her and coming in long draining jets. Her cunt tightened around him further, milking him for every drop, and he shuddered over her, groaning as if dying.

His entire body shivered against hers and he collapsed on top of her, just barely managing to catch himself on his elbows and save her from being crushed.

They lay like that for a long while, bodies heaving with deep panting breaths, their hearts pounding in their heads. Sweaty and sticky and utterly –utterly- sated.

“Dear, do me a favour and put out the sheets?” She finally murmured into his neck and he groaned a chuckle.

The hand that wasn’t wrapped around hers slapped against the bed, little shocks of magic snuffing the flames before they could catch on something important. He waved his hand drunkenly and magic cleared the smoke from the room before it could sully the books and her other precious things hoarded here.

He smirked when he realised she counted him as one of those prizes amongst her collection.

Just as he did her.

“Oh my _gawd!_ ”

Both Regina and Rumple flinched when Emma shrieked and Regina groaned and flopped back against the bed when Rumple’s flinch did nothing less than twist his cock deeper into her.

Wasn’t he supposed to soften at some point?

She was pretty sure he was supposed to.

“Oh- -my- -my bad.” Emma clapped her hands over her eyes. “I came here for- -you know what- never mind. I’m just gonna…oh _fuck_!”

Emma spun on her heel and staggered blindly out of the chamber and up the stairs. She was vaguely heard muttering to herself.

“Why would I think they _wouldn’t_ be here?!”  

Regina groaned again when Rumple chuckled and the shiver of that translated deliciously into her body.

“Do you think there is anyone that _hasn’t_ walked in on us now?”

“Statistically?” Regina panted into his neck. “Probably.” Her cunt tightened around him when he tried to withdraw from her and he changed his mind.

“She did not seem overly surprised.” Rumple propped himself more securely on his elbow and frowned a little when he saw how badly he had bitten her chest. He ducked his head and licked the wound, lapping magic over it to heal it a little further.

“I told her about us.” Regina relaxed back into the mattress with a soothed sigh. His tongue did feel so marvellous.

“Hmm?”

“Our relationship is difficult to explain in a manner that other people can understand.”

“Who cares if she understands?” His voice was muffled as he licked lower over the curve of her breast, kissing lazily.

“She is my friend.”

He stilled, cocking his head at that, but returned to his task when she gripped his hair and brought his mouth to her flesh once more.

“What did you tell her?”

“That…we are married…but divorced. I will always be your first wife. We are connected in that way.”

“Hrrn.” Rumple sounded mostly pleased at that and then lifted his head with a frown. “Divorced? Do we look divorced to her now, do you think?”

“Everybody knows that divorcees never stop fucking.” She waved it away and he cocked an eyebrow at her.

“I do believe that exclusive to us, love.”

She arched an eyebrow right on back.

“Really?”

“Truly.”

She smirked, winding her arms around his neck and pulling him close again. She nipped his lip with her teeth and breathed into him as she spoke.

“Prove it.”

So, naturally, he did.  

**Author's Note:**

> There are more of these on the way, including the Long Walk referenced above, Emma Trolling Zelena after episode 20 (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OUTLAW QUEEN IS DEAD!) and something about spoons and dresses being used as dusters. 
> 
> You'll know it when you see it. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> :D


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